For the Person Who Needs to Let Go and Trust in God’s Plan for Their Lives
I grasped the phone tightly as I felt its edges dig deep into the palm of my hand. The plastic cover that protected my phone quivered with fear as my fingers strangled the small, square electronic object. I pushed the phone a little harder against my ear as I heard his deep, soft voice smoothly protrude through the speaker.
Every muscle in my body was tense and my heart was racing with fear.
Fear of being abandoned.
Fear of being alone.
Fear of rejection.
And most importantly fear of the unknown.
My voice quivered with the same fear that ran through my veins. With shaky words and tears falling down my cheeks, I tried to convince him to stay. I tried to convince him that things will get better, the fighting will stop, the trust will grow and the love will remain.
I heard the foreign words that were carefully crafted roll off my tongue as I gasped for air in between sentences and sobs. You see, I was never really good with goodbyes or walking away from something or someone I loved. I was raised to never give up, to try harder, to keep pushing until you see the results you so desperately desired. So, when him and I said our final goodbyes and I love you’s, I felt an all consuming fear and pain engulf me.
Somewhere along the lines I associated my fears to this desperate need of trying harder in my relationships- intimate relationships and friendships. I guess I thought if you gave up on the relationship, you were giving up on love, and more importantly the person you loved. So, I held on tighter.
But I didn’t just hold onto the people in my life with a forceful grip, I held onto my insecurities of not feeling enough for someone.
I held onto this need to constantly compare myself to others, allowing feelings of jealousy to bubble up and overflow to those closest to me.
I desperately gripped onto my past relationships that never worked out and the pain they caused.
I clenched onto my fears, my selfish ways, my inability to let go of my pride and admit that I was wrong.
I was constraining the reckless, immature ways of handling situations instead of voicing my thoughts and feelings in a mature matter.
I used a bottle of tequila and nights out with my friends to mask the pain and make excuses for my poor behavior and choices.
I didn’t listen to others. I didn’t change. I just held onto these toxic qualities about myself because it was easier then going through the painful process of confronting each one of these areas.
And guess what?
I held onto all of these toxic qualities until it ruined a relationship that had the potential to be something extraordinary.
Sometimes it takes a person or a situation to shake up our world so drastically in order for us to confront, and let go of all the demons that have been hiding away inside us.
Through these painful situations we learn more about who we are, how we react to problems, how we might treat others when our fears and insecurities are raging in front of us, and most importantly the person we want to become after the pain subsides.
Unfortunately, the sad part about this is these individuals or situations rarely get to stay the same in our lives.
There are times where we must forgo what we thought would happen, or the plans we made for ourselves in order to step into the person and plans God has for us.
At the time of that phone call I felt as if my world was crashing down around me. Nothing was going as I wanted or expected it to go. I remember feeling beaten down and distraught because I was faced with multiple situations that shook me to the core of my being.
In the weeks that preceded the phone call, I was faced with the news that I needed to stay an extra four weeks in my student teaching placement after graduation. I would be allowed to walk in the ceremony and celebrate like any other individual who finally concluded their time at college, but I would have to return the following Monday to my placement school.
Once I made it through the four weeks, I was confronted with another set back. I was required to take an online summer class in order to bring up my GPA to graduate. In addition to all of this, I still needed to take my state level teaching certification tests, which cost lots of money- something I did not have. So, I attempted to look for a job. During this timeframe I felt like a huge failure. I felt as if I just could not get it right with anything, or anyone. I was a mess and took it out on everyone in my way, especially to those closest to me.
So when the phone rang that day, and my boyfriend told me he thought it would be better to focus on ourselves for awhile, it was the cherry on top of my disappointment cake.
What I did not realize at the time was God was calling me out of my toxic, selfish, and fearful ways. He was calling me to let go of my plans, and my expectations in order to turn to him and trust his ways more fully.
You see, I think there are times in our lives where we must lose it all in order to stretch more fully into the person we are meant to become.
We must hit rock bottom and come face to face with pain in order to fully understand, and accept that everything in this place that we are holding onto is keeping us from stepping into the next phase of our lives.
I had to let go of a lot in the weeks that followed the disappointing situations and break up I went through.
First, I had to confront and let go of the pain I felt. I had to accept my current reality for what it was. I had to understand the mistakes I made, not only in my relationship, or friendships, but this also included the mistakes I made along the way in my academic career that put me on the pathway that it did.
I had to let go of my fears of failing, being alone, my expectations of what I thought my future should look like, as well as the fear of facing the real world with not a clue on how to navigate being an adult. I then surrendered myself fully to God. I drew closer to him by praying, reading the bible, listening to music and sermons that encouraged and uplifted me out of the pain I was feeling.
By letting go, and giving my fears, insecurities, doubts, and the unknown future to God, I started feeling better, stronger, and more myself in the weeks that followed.
Now, a couple of months later I look back and I am thankful for all of the challenges, struggles, fears, and people I was holding onto so tightly and desperately. I realized I needed to face myself more fully, in order to realize how important it is to let certain things go.
You see readers, when we surrender our plans, our expectations, and our desperate wants and desires to the God of the universe, he listens, restores our brokenness, and pieces us back together little by little.
I received a second chance at loving the man on the phone. I am able to correct my mistakes and love more fully, whole heartedly and sacrificially the way Jesus wants us to love. I am able to walk boldly and confidently in the present situations I am faced with instead of being filled with fear.
So what are you holding onto?
Are you holding onto fear? Fear of failure? Fear of success? Fear of placing your trust and love in someone?
Are you holding onto past memories that are keeping you from living your life in the present?
Or maybe are you are holding onto high expectations and selfish ways, refusing to listen to others?
Whatever you are holding onto so tightly, so desperately I urge you to let go. This week focus on letting go of everything that is holding you back from becoming everything you are meant to be.
Give it all to the universe or to God, and trust that whatever is meant to happen in your life will in its own timing.
Choose things in your life that bring you happiness. Make choices little by little that point you on the pathway that you feel you are meant to be on.
Let go, and let the creator of the universe do the rest.
Until next time,