How to Let Go When You Desperately Want to Hold On

 

For the Person Who Needs to Let Go and Trust in God’s Plan for Their Lives

I grasped the phone tightly as I felt its edges dig deep into the palm of my hand. The plastic cover that protected my phone quivered with fear as my fingers strangled the small, square electronic object. I pushed the phone a little harder against my ear as I heard his deep, soft voice smoothly protrude through the speaker.

Every muscle in my body was tense and my heart was racing with fear.

Fear of being abandoned.

Fear of being alone.

Fear of rejection.

And most importantly fear of the unknown.

My voice quivered with the same fear that ran through my veins. With shaky words and tears falling down my cheeks, I tried to convince him to stay. I tried to convince him that things will get better, the fighting will stop, the trust will grow and the love will remain.

I heard the foreign words that were carefully crafted roll off my tongue as I gasped for air in between sentences and sobs. You see, I was never really good with goodbyes or walking away from something or someone I loved. I was raised to never give up, to try harder, to keep pushing until you see the results you so desperately desired. So, when him and I said our final goodbyes and I love you’s, I felt an all consuming fear and pain engulf me.

Somewhere along the lines I associated my fears to this desperate need of trying harder in my relationships- intimate relationships and friendships. I guess I thought if you gave up on the relationship, you were giving up on love, and more importantly the person you loved. So, I held on tighter.

But I didn’t just hold onto the people in my life with a forceful grip, I held onto my insecurities of not feeling enough for someone.

I held onto this need to constantly compare myself to others, allowing feelings of jealousy to bubble up and overflow to those closest to me.

I desperately gripped onto my past relationships that never worked out and the pain they caused.

I clenched onto my fears, my selfish ways, my inability to let go of my pride and admit that I was wrong.

I was constraining the reckless, immature ways of handling situations instead of voicing my thoughts and feelings in a mature matter.

I used a bottle of tequila and nights out with my friends to mask the pain and make excuses for my poor behavior and choices.

I didn’t listen to others. I didn’t change. I just held onto these toxic qualities about myself because it was easier then going through the painful process of confronting each one of these areas.

And guess what?

I held onto all of these toxic qualities until it ruined a relationship that had the potential to be something extraordinary.


Sometimes it takes a person or a situation to shake up our world so drastically in order for us to confront, and let go of all the demons that have been hiding away inside us.


Through these painful situations we learn more about who we are, how we react to problems, how we might treat others when our fears and insecurities are raging in front of us, and most importantly the person we want to become after the pain subsides.

Unfortunately, the sad part about this is these individuals or situations rarely get to stay the same in our lives.

There are times where we must forgo what we thought would happen, or the plans we made for ourselves in order to step into the person and plans God has for us.

At the time of that phone call I felt as if my world was crashing down around me. Nothing was going as I wanted or expected it to go. I remember feeling beaten down and distraught because I was faced with multiple situations that shook me to the core of my being.

In the weeks that preceded the phone call, I was faced with the news that I needed to stay an extra four weeks in my student teaching placement after graduation. I would be allowed to walk in the ceremony and celebrate like any other individual who finally concluded their time at college, but I would have to return the following Monday to my placement school.

Once I made it through the four weeks, I was confronted with another set back. I was required to take an online summer class in order to bring up my GPA to graduate. In addition to all of this, I still needed to take my state level teaching certification tests, which cost lots of money- something I did not have. So, I attempted to look for a job. During this timeframe I felt like a huge failure. I felt as if I just could not get it right with anything, or anyone. I was a mess and took it out on everyone in my way, especially to those closest to me.

So when the phone rang that day, and my boyfriend told me he thought it would be better to focus on ourselves for awhile, it was the cherry on top of my disappointment cake.


What I did not realize at the time was God was calling me out of my toxic, selfish, and fearful ways. He was calling me to let go of my plans, and my expectations in order to turn to him and trust his ways more fully.

You see, I think there are times in our lives where we must lose it all in order to stretch more fully into the person we are meant to become.

We must hit rock bottom and come face to face with pain in order to fully understand, and accept that everything in this place that we are holding onto is keeping us from stepping into the next phase of our lives.

I had to let go of a lot in the weeks that followed the disappointing situations and break up I went through.

First, I had to confront and let go of the pain I felt. I had to accept my current reality for what it was. I had to understand the mistakes I made, not only in my relationship, or friendships, but this also included the mistakes I made along the way in my academic career that put me on the pathway that it did.

I had to let go of my fears of failing, being alone, my expectations of what I thought my future should look like, as well as the fear of facing the real world with not a clue on how to navigate being an adult. I then surrendered myself fully to God. I drew closer to him by praying, reading the bible, listening to music and sermons that encouraged and uplifted me out of the pain I was feeling.

By letting go, and giving my fears, insecurities, doubts, and the unknown future to God, I started feeling better, stronger, and more myself in the weeks that followed.

Now, a couple of months later I look back and I am thankful for all of the challenges, struggles, fears, and people I was holding onto so tightly and desperately. I realized I needed to face myself more fully, in order to realize how important it is to let certain things go.

You see readers, when we surrender our plans, our expectations, and our desperate wants and desires to the God of the universe, he listens, restores our brokenness, and pieces us back together little by little.

I received a second chance at loving the man on the phone. I am able to correct my mistakes and love more fully, whole heartedly and sacrificially the way Jesus wants us to love. I am able to walk boldly and confidently in the present situations I am faced with instead of being filled with fear.

So what are you holding onto?

Are you holding onto fear? Fear of failure? Fear of success? Fear of placing your trust and love in someone?

Are you holding onto past memories that are keeping you from living your life in the present?

Or maybe are you are holding onto high expectations and selfish ways, refusing to listen to others?

Whatever you are holding onto so tightly, so desperately I urge you to let go. This week focus on letting go of everything that is holding you back from becoming everything you are meant to be.

Give it all to the universe or to God, and trust that whatever is meant to happen in your life will in its own timing.

Choose things in your life that bring you happiness. Make choices little by little that point you on the pathway that you feel you are meant to be on.

Let go, and let the creator of the universe do the rest.

Until next time,

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God Bless,
L.Blum

How to Confront the Fear of Change

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I sat perplexed, gazing at the sea of clothing that surrounded me. Piles of jeans, shirts, shorts, sweatshirts, and hangers engulfed every square inch of my bedroom floor except the tiny circular area where I was sitting. Not to mention the mountain of shoes piled high on my bed.
Starring hopelessly at the disaster, I anxiously searched for a spot in my new closet to place a small pile of folded jeans. Where to put these? Where to put these? I asked myself, as I also wondered why I thought it would be a good idea to switch rooms for my last two semesters in college.
A day ago, my entire life up at school resided in a large bedroom placed in the basement of my college house (which was HUGE might I add). Now, with the influence of my parents, and fellow roommates, my living space was in shambles and significantly smaller.
You see, my parents thought it would be a good idea to “down size” all the items I collected up at college over the years to a smaller, more “manageable” room for my last year at school. I tend to get a little messy, and in my parents’ eyes a bigger living space for Lindsay means a bigger mess that THEY have to clean up.
I wasn’t sure how I felt about the “big” move from the basement to the upstairs strictly because in the last year I created a lot of memories in the room below. I had many life talks in that room, dance parties, cries over a boy who broke my heart, and many nights of dancing to music as I searched for the perfect outfit to wear for a night out on Main Street. This basement room held sacred memories from the year prior that are hard to let go of. Now, I am leaving all these memories behind to create new ones, in a new room, for my final year in college.
I think a lot of individuals can identify with this uneasy feeling when something in our lives is about to shift or change. This uneasiness can be a positive feeling, or a negative one.

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Maybe you are changing job titles, or changing the company you work for and you are afraid to leave the security of that familiar environment behind to face new conditions.
Maybe there is a major shift that is about to happen in your life like you just recently got engaged, married, or you are about to be a father or mother– you are excited, thrilled even, yet nervous to take on these new roles as a fiancé, husband, wife, mother, or father.

 

 

Or maybe you are like me; you are attending your final year of college, and feel slightly uneasy about leaving a place you made your home for so long. You are nervous, yet excited for the changes that are about to happen- graduation, finding a job, moving back home, or moving away.

 

 

 

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Point is change can be scary, yet exciting all at the same time. We have the decision to fear the changes that are ahead or embrace the uncertainty that comes along with the change.

 

 

So how do we confront this fear of altering or adjusting our life plans and embrace the uncertainty of the future?

 

 

1.Understand and accept that there is a shift that is happening or about to happen in your life.

 

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Sometimes we as individuals do not want to come to terms with the fact that our life is constantly rearranging itself. We like to ignore and turn a blind eye to the upcoming events that are about to take place or are happening right under our noses. I know personally, I am in denial with the fact that in about eight months I will have to be a “real person” living a “big girl” lifestyle. I will not be able to wake up at my leisure five minutes before I am supposed to, roll out of bed, throw on a sweatshirt and a pair of leggings, while walking out the door to attend class like all other college students my age do. I must understand and accept that this chapter of my life is sadly ending sooner than I think it is. As individuals we must accept that change comes and goes. In order to accept the uncertainty of the future, we must understand and accept that a shift is currently happening in our lives.

 

 

2. See change as an opportunity to grow into a new being.

 

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Change gives us an opportunity to reflect and acknowledge old ways of doing something, while also creating room for us as individuals to reinvent ourselves. Instead of facing change in a fearful or uncertain way look at this shift in your life as an opportunity to grow yourself into who you have always wanted to be. Think back on your past circumstances. What areas were you most successful in? What mistakes did you make? What areas did you fail in? Where could you improve? Think to yourself: how can I carry the knowledge from my past triumphs and tribulations into this next season of my life? You can choose to learn and grow through these times of change.

 

 

3. This is your moment. Own it.

 

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I have this agenda book that I got from HomeGoods while I was on vacation in North Carolina. I am usually really picky about the agendas I use for college. They must have the right amount of spacing so I can have enough room to write my daily activities and assignments in them. For some reason I really took to this agenda book because I thought it suited my mantra for the year. The book is a square pink agenda with gold lettering that reads “This is your moment. Own it.” On the bottom of the agenda a faint 2018 is etched in the same color as the agenda book itself. I think this is a saying that anyone can use when facing times of change in their life. No matter what you are going through, no matter what your past looks like, or what you hope your future will be, right here, right now, this moment is yours, embrace it, own it, and be confident in it. Embrace the change that is thrown at you, and all the feelings that go along with it. It is okay to be afraid of what will happen, it is okay to be anxious, or nervous, but own the fact that this life, these changes that are occurring are happening and will continue to happen throughout your lifetime. Own where you are at and be bold with your decisions when facing change, and new circumstances

 

 

So readers with that, I challenge you to embrace the moment, embrace the change, and embrace whatever season of life you are in- fears, anxieties, uncertainties and all. Do your best to face the future with confidence and boldness as you move into this next stage or chapter of your life.

 

 

 

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God bless,
L.Blum

 

 

 

To the Individual who Struggles with Finding Beauty within Themselves

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Finding Beauty in a Pile of Sea Shells

I gently placed one foot down on the rocky, shell filled beach feeling the crunch of the pile of sea shells crack beneath the weight of my body. I was careful to balance myself at just the right angle so the sharp edges of the broken sea shells, and rough sand wouldn’t poke the bottoms of my feet. Holding onto my red purse for dear life, I wobbly walked along the shore line in knee deep water picking at hidden treasures that were uncovered from deep below the ocean’s surface.

My legs were already fatigued from the one and a half mile walk my family and I made along the North Carolina shore, so attempting to balance on a floor of jagged sea shells looked like a poor circus act. With every step I took my body swayed a little to the left, and a little to the right, until I finally caught my center of gravity making sure my red purse and the items contained in it wouldn’t be plummeting to their death.

Every muscle in my calves and quads, as well as the pinching sensation I felt on the soles of my feet begged, and pleated with me to stop walking. The sad part is I was once a division two athlete, but a few years living the NARP (Non Athletic Regular Person) lifestyle can really catch up to ya.

 

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The place where I was standing housed thousands upon thousands of shells washed up along the sandy shore called The Point, in Outer Banks, North Carolina. This particular spot is known for the churning of opposing currents which digs up the ocean’s deepest treasures. Looking along this beach, a guest like myself can witness large trucks such as Ford F150s and Jeep Grand Cheerokees perched on the top of the Earth’s soft, sandy surface. Rows upon rows of these vehicles housed individuals grilling food, playing country music, drinking alcoholic beverages, all while casting long, clear lines into the Atlantic blue to uncover a different kind of treasure than I was looking for. A Philadelphia suburban girl like myself was astonished at the southern sight.

 

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What intrigued me the most about The Point’s beauty was the sea shells. There were all different types of shells. Some were big, wholesome shells that portrayed an off white, grey color. Others were heart shaped shells that had ripples along the surface of the shell. There were broken shells, purple shells, pink shells, shells that were white as snow, shells with barnacles – you get the point.

 

Out of all the shells that surrounded me, I found beauty in the shells that were unique, and different from the rest. I found beauty in the shells that were broken, that had deep scrapes, barnacles, and holes throughout the surfaces of them. These were the shells I picked up, these were the shells that became sacred and special to me. I found beauty in the uniqueness of these particular shells.

 

I think we as individuals can be compared to these “broken” and “unique”sea shells I found on the beach in North Carolina. It’s a weird comparison I know but stick with me on this one.

 

Each sea shell that I picked up had its own unique, and different qualities than the shell sitting next to it. I treasured each of these shells because of the UNIQUENESS they portrayed . No two shells looked alike. No shell compared itself to the one next to it. They just laid there on the sand amongst all the other shells, basking in their own individual beauty and rolled where ever the ocean tide took them.

 

See where I’m going with this..?

 

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If those broken, barnacle, hole filled beautiful shells are treasured just as they are, then think about how greatly we are treasured just as we are, brokenness and all.

 

Have you ever wondered if you are good enough? Beautiful enough?

 

Have you ever compared yourself and your struggles to those around you?

 

Have you ever wished you had other qualities or traits?
Or what about hating the situations and circumstances that broke certain parts of your innocence?
You question why certain situations had to occur, going through them over and over in your head.

 

 

You see, like the broken shells I found on the beach, each one of us has a set of qualities – outward and inward that make us individually who we are.

 

Inwardly, each of us houses the complete, individualistic personality that makes up our entire being. This includes our passions, our fears, our likes, our dislikes, what makes us tick, what makes us happy, the circumstances and situations that broke us or pushed us to the next level – these are all the little intricate details that are woven together specifically in a unique formula and fashion that make the only you on this planet.

 

Outwardly, if you think about it no one looks exactly the way you do. The texture of your hair, the dimples on your cheeks, the curves of your legs. You were made to look the way you do for a reason. Sure you can change the outward appearance but who you are outwardly is the unique, individualistic person you portray to the world.

 

You see, each scrap, hole and barnacle on a particular shell can tell a unique story about what and where that shell has been. Just like each sea shell tells a different story about where the ocean tide took them, each particular situation, and circumstance you have been through (good and bad) make you unique and different than all other individuals.

 

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The truth is we all have broken pieces of our being, hidden parts of ourselves that we rarely show to anyone else in fear that it will drive them away. We all have ugly and jagged sides of our personality that is tainted by the evil doings of this world. At the end of the day each of us desperately hopes that someone sees these broken pieces, this uniqueness, and believes that we are beautiful despited the jagged edges of our souls.

 

So to the individual who struggles to find beauty within themselves, I am here to tell you that you are perfect the way you are, flaws and all.

You are beautiful in your OWN uniqueness, and your OWN brokenness.

I believe God finds beauty in the brokenness, he finds beauty in the holes of our personality just like he finds beauty in the unique, broken, barnacle filled sea shells I found on the beach.

 

Whatever brokenness you feel, whatever “ugliness” you think you have, I want to tell you that you are treasured more than you understand or comprehend. You are an individual that is made perfectly the way you are for this particular moment in time.

 

Whatever circumstances you faced that caused you pain, hurt or brokenness, are just what you needed to make you a stronger, more influential individual on this planet.

 

You are not what society tells you to look like, act like or be. You are uniquely yourself, let that unique, broken, different, awesome, cool individual shine. Have confidence in yourself, your abilities, who you are and who you are not, because you are one truly great individual. Strive for excellence but do not be so hard on yourself that you see yourself in a negative light. Let go of the insecurities that you struggle with and just let yourself be because you are beautiful and are treasured just as the sea shells on the beach are treasured.

 

So readers, next time you are on a beach and you find a sea shell, pick it up, admire its beauty, stick it in your pocket and let it be a reminder that you too are treasured and beautiful despite the brokenness you feel.

 

 

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God bless,
L.blum