How to Let Go When You Desperately Want to Hold On

 

For the Person Who Needs to Let Go and Trust in God’s Plan for Their Lives

I grasped the phone tightly as I felt its edges dig deep into the palm of my hand. The plastic cover that protected my phone quivered with fear as my fingers strangled the small, square electronic object. I pushed the phone a little harder against my ear as I heard his deep, soft voice smoothly protrude through the speaker.

Every muscle in my body was tense and my heart was racing with fear.

Fear of being abandoned.

Fear of being alone.

Fear of rejection.

And most importantly fear of the unknown.

My voice quivered with the same fear that ran through my veins. With shaky words and tears falling down my cheeks, I tried to convince him to stay. I tried to convince him that things will get better, the fighting will stop, the trust will grow and the love will remain.

I heard the foreign words that were carefully crafted roll off my tongue as I gasped for air in between sentences and sobs. You see, I was never really good with goodbyes or walking away from something or someone I loved. I was raised to never give up, to try harder, to keep pushing until you see the results you so desperately desired. So, when him and I said our final goodbyes and I love you’s, I felt an all consuming fear and pain engulf me.

Somewhere along the lines I associated my fears to this desperate need of trying harder in my relationships- intimate relationships and friendships. I guess I thought if you gave up on the relationship, you were giving up on love, and more importantly the person you loved. So, I held on tighter.

But I didn’t just hold onto the people in my life with a forceful grip, I held onto my insecurities of not feeling enough for someone.

I held onto this need to constantly compare myself to others, allowing feelings of jealousy to bubble up and overflow to those closest to me.

I desperately gripped onto my past relationships that never worked out and the pain they caused.

I clenched onto my fears, my selfish ways, my inability to let go of my pride and admit that I was wrong.

I was constraining the reckless, immature ways of handling situations instead of voicing my thoughts and feelings in a mature matter.

I used a bottle of tequila and nights out with my friends to mask the pain and make excuses for my poor behavior and choices.

I didn’t listen to others. I didn’t change. I just held onto these toxic qualities about myself because it was easier then going through the painful process of confronting each one of these areas.

And guess what?

I held onto all of these toxic qualities until it ruined a relationship that had the potential to be something extraordinary.


Sometimes it takes a person or a situation to shake up our world so drastically in order for us to confront, and let go of all the demons that have been hiding away inside us.


Through these painful situations we learn more about who we are, how we react to problems, how we might treat others when our fears and insecurities are raging in front of us, and most importantly the person we want to become after the pain subsides.

Unfortunately, the sad part about this is these individuals or situations rarely get to stay the same in our lives.

There are times where we must forgo what we thought would happen, or the plans we made for ourselves in order to step into the person and plans God has for us.

At the time of that phone call I felt as if my world was crashing down around me. Nothing was going as I wanted or expected it to go. I remember feeling beaten down and distraught because I was faced with multiple situations that shook me to the core of my being.

In the weeks that preceded the phone call, I was faced with the news that I needed to stay an extra four weeks in my student teaching placement after graduation. I would be allowed to walk in the ceremony and celebrate like any other individual who finally concluded their time at college, but I would have to return the following Monday to my placement school.

Once I made it through the four weeks, I was confronted with another set back. I was required to take an online summer class in order to bring up my GPA to graduate. In addition to all of this, I still needed to take my state level teaching certification tests, which cost lots of money- something I did not have. So, I attempted to look for a job. During this timeframe I felt like a huge failure. I felt as if I just could not get it right with anything, or anyone. I was a mess and took it out on everyone in my way, especially to those closest to me.

So when the phone rang that day, and my boyfriend told me he thought it would be better to focus on ourselves for awhile, it was the cherry on top of my disappointment cake.


What I did not realize at the time was God was calling me out of my toxic, selfish, and fearful ways. He was calling me to let go of my plans, and my expectations in order to turn to him and trust his ways more fully.

You see, I think there are times in our lives where we must lose it all in order to stretch more fully into the person we are meant to become.

We must hit rock bottom and come face to face with pain in order to fully understand, and accept that everything in this place that we are holding onto is keeping us from stepping into the next phase of our lives.

I had to let go of a lot in the weeks that followed the disappointing situations and break up I went through.

First, I had to confront and let go of the pain I felt. I had to accept my current reality for what it was. I had to understand the mistakes I made, not only in my relationship, or friendships, but this also included the mistakes I made along the way in my academic career that put me on the pathway that it did.

I had to let go of my fears of failing, being alone, my expectations of what I thought my future should look like, as well as the fear of facing the real world with not a clue on how to navigate being an adult. I then surrendered myself fully to God. I drew closer to him by praying, reading the bible, listening to music and sermons that encouraged and uplifted me out of the pain I was feeling.

By letting go, and giving my fears, insecurities, doubts, and the unknown future to God, I started feeling better, stronger, and more myself in the weeks that followed.

Now, a couple of months later I look back and I am thankful for all of the challenges, struggles, fears, and people I was holding onto so tightly and desperately. I realized I needed to face myself more fully, in order to realize how important it is to let certain things go.

You see readers, when we surrender our plans, our expectations, and our desperate wants and desires to the God of the universe, he listens, restores our brokenness, and pieces us back together little by little.

I received a second chance at loving the man on the phone. I am able to correct my mistakes and love more fully, whole heartedly and sacrificially the way Jesus wants us to love. I am able to walk boldly and confidently in the present situations I am faced with instead of being filled with fear.

So what are you holding onto?

Are you holding onto fear? Fear of failure? Fear of success? Fear of placing your trust and love in someone?

Are you holding onto past memories that are keeping you from living your life in the present?

Or maybe are you are holding onto high expectations and selfish ways, refusing to listen to others?

Whatever you are holding onto so tightly, so desperately I urge you to let go. This week focus on letting go of everything that is holding you back from becoming everything you are meant to be.

Give it all to the universe or to God, and trust that whatever is meant to happen in your life will in its own timing.

Choose things in your life that bring you happiness. Make choices little by little that point you on the pathway that you feel you are meant to be on.

Let go, and let the creator of the universe do the rest.

Until next time,

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God Bless,
L.Blum

Breakthrough the Pain

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Embrace the Rain

“When you come out of the storm you won’t be the same person that walked in that’s what the storm is all about” – HARUKI Murakami

 

I sit at my dining room table hunched over with tired eyes and a warm blanket draped around my shoulders. If you know me, you would know that the first thing I enjoy when I wake up is a nice brewed, hot cup of coffee. Cupping my frigid hands tightly around my blue mug, I allow the smell of my steamy, hot cup of “Joe” to bring me back to life from the sleeping dead.
Since I am not a morning person, it usually takes me a solid half hour to fully wake up my mind and body before I can move on with my day’s planned activities. I slumped my tired body onto the wooden dining room chair, and peered out of the large window to the right of me. I usually gaze out of the window in a zombie like fashion taking in the hustle and bustle going on in the world outside of my quiet, sleepy bubble. The activity of others somewhat inspires me to wake up and participate in life for the day.
The view outside my window on normal day contains several students walking to and from class, cars zooming by, and adults going for brisk walks around the neighborhood. I can mostly hear everything that occurs outside of my quaint, college house. I hear the laughing and talking of students in groups, or individuals talking on the phone to a friend or parent as they stroll on the sidewalk. Usually, the sun is shining reflecting off trees and cars as much activity occurs outside of this large window of mine.
Today, the world holds a ghost like scene. The only noises are the pitter patter of rain slightly knocking on the sidewalks, trees and houses of East Stroudsburg. All is quiet and grey; the sky is dark and gloomy.
Naturally, with any rainy day comes rainy attitudes, and I can be the first one to attest to this. Waking up was harder than usual, and I had not one ounce of motivation to do all the activities I was required to do. Sitting in my chair, peering out of the window into the dreaded, wet, outside world listening to the constant flow of rain falling from the sky slightly relaxed me a bit. Listening to the slight tapping of droplets against the window eased me as a thought came into my head.
Sometimes the rain can be beautiful.
Watching the way the rain danced off of trees, sidewalks, and streets, drenching, no cleansing everything in its sight gave me peace and hope for some reason. I sat dry like a desert wrapped in warmth as I marveled at this new found beauty. The rain brought me peace, clarity and closure.

 

 

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I sat and thought for a moment.
How often do I wish dark, rainy days didn’t exist? The answer is a lot. I much rather have a day with the sun kissing my face and the sky bright, clear and blue above me. Who wouldn’t prefer this?

 
Scientifically speaking the rain is needed for growth, and life. Without rain, nothing would grow, thrive and survive.
In the same way rain is needed for the environment to survive, we too need the “rain” and “storms” of life to help us grow and thrive.
If we do not go through these stormy moments of life there would be no sunny, happy days. The rain, if we allow it, can cleanse us causing us to change into beautiful beings.
I think all of us could use a little reminder that even though rejection and bad situations may occur, it is in the pain of these situations that transform us into the individuals we are supposed to become.

 

 

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This is something that I have come to learn over the course of this entire year. Both this semester and last have been two of the hardest semesters I have had yet throughout the duration of my college career. Everything about this last year has been hard, from my school work, to my extra activities outside of classes, and finally in my personal life. There have been plenty of times in this last year that I have had my head, face first in a pillow crying hysterically over some aspect of my life. You know the really ugly type of cries? The ones where you can barely breathe and they leave you exhausted from the amount of energy you dispose? Yeah… I have had a record amount of them this year.
BUT, what I have learned from these moments of complete weakness was that those moments served their purpose. The questioning, thinking, and doubting during the times where I have completely broken down in turn strengthened me. They have cleansed me from the inside out. Sure, what I was going through did not make any sense at the time, but standing back and looking at those moments of weakness has shown me that the situations that caused those breakdowns were needed to make me stronger. They helped me to rebuild myself back up piece by piece even stronger than before that situation and that breakdown occurred.
So why must the rain fall so hard that it creates such a gloomy, yucky day? Why must pain, rejection, and hurt even exist in our lives?
I believe everything that happens in our lives transform us into the people we are meant to become. Every bad situation that occurs does indeed make us stronger and wiser and put us on the pathway to life that we are supposed to be living if we allow it to. Pain creates growth, and life.
Every sting that comes from rejection is teaching us that we do indeed need pain, and hurt just as much as we need joy and happiness to feel alive.

 

There is beauty in the pain we feel that comes from rejection. This pain puts pressure and stress on our bodies which in turn forces a transformation of some kind. Pain caused by rejection molds individuals and allows each person who feels it to piece themselves back together in their own way, separately from all of those who have hurt them.

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It is a wonderfully, creative and liberating process when we allow the pain or storms to transform us into the people we are meant to become.

 

That is why the rain is beautiful. The rain removes all the dirt and grime in our lives to make room for a beautiful, thriving individual.

So readers, instead of hating the storm, embrace the rain as well as the pain. Accept it, and let it cleanse you. Relax and listen to the pitter patter, as we all know after a storm, a beautiful rainbow shines through the clouds.

 

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God bless,
L.Blum